Denial can be fatal for relationships.

Everyone has personal blind spots.  They are a form of denial.

Blind spots are those areas in your own behavior that when your partner  points them out to you , you just ‘don’t see it, or say “that’s not me, or you have to be kidding” - whatever.  When your partner says that you have certain habits, beliefs, behaviors that he or she believes could be destructive for the future health of your relationship or for yourself, you fail to accept them as a part of who you are or how you behave.  If your partner is not be saying these things in a negative way or  criticizing or invalidating you, but they are merely reporting information to you, giving you the opportunity to see the need or benefits for change, it is important to be willing to listen without judgment or defensiveness. 

Eliminating many of these blind spots can help you get better in touch with the reality of your own behaviors and their impact on your relationship and the overall quality of your life.

There are many types of denial. There are a variety of responses you can have to what may cause it.  A few of them are;

- The blind spots I just mentioned.

- That you are contributing to the stress in some way in your relationship.

- That you have hidden agendas; topics that you are uncomfortable discussing, for some reason.

- Your unwillingness to take full responsibility for your own actions and or outcomes.

- Your defensiveness when your partner brings up topics that you disagree with.

- Your anger when your apparent need for growth in some area, is mentioned.

- Your withdrawal from discussions that cause you discomfort.

- Your inability to handle conflict or confrontation in a constructive way.

- Your  beliefs that your opinions are the only ones that are right or valuable.

I could go on, but I am confident I either have your attention by now, or I don’t.  If I don’t, before you toss this subject out as just the ranting of a senile old lunatic ask yourself, Could you be in denial that you are even incapable of having any challenges made to you with any of the above issues?

One way to get to the core of this issue, if you have the courage, is to ask your partner a few simple questions.  Before you do I suggest you set up a few simple ground rules.  No invalidation, criticism or judgments are allowed.  Just a neutral sharing of information.  It is also important that both of you ensure that your mental perceptual filters are clear of any obstructions or emotional old baggage.

- What do you think I might be in denial about?

- How do I behave or talk when I am in denial?

- How do you feel about me when I am in denial?

- What does my denial do to our relationship?

Just a few to get you started.  Why not see if you can come up with a few more.  The purpose is for personal awareness and enlightenment.  Once you have finished this discussion now reverse roles and now you ask your partner the same questions.