Friday, February 12, 2016

You are invited . . .


You are invited . . .
 
Relationship Spark Seminar  - March 19 – Charlotte, NC
 
Single and looking or married and need some more spark this program will give you some new and valuable relationship tools.
 
For information or to register contact me:
 
Tim Connor – 704-875-1230 – timspeaks4u@gmail.com

Seating is limited so RSVP early to save your seat.

 
For Singles -
 
-Are you looking for true and lasting love?
-Are you tired of being alone?
-Are you feeling frustrated with the dating process?
-Are you not even trying to date because of fear, rejection or frustration?
 
Learning how to date, and who you are looking for is an important step. I teach these skills in my Secrets to Successful Singles class. There is an equally important piece to finding and keeping an amazing relationship. You must know what one looks and feels like. I talk to people every day who have never experienced a good, much less great relationship. Maybe you have been in a good relationship in the past but it has been a long time and you no longer have confidence in your relationship skills.  Time for a change?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, our upcoming relationship boot camp is for you. This seminar will give you the information and the tools you need to find and keep love in your life. It is designed for singles and couples alike - so invite your friends to join you and receive a discount.
 
In addition to the information you will receive that day, you also take home 2 books and an hour of free coaching.
 
For couples:
 
-Are you tired of having the same conflicts over and over again?
-Is there an emotional or physical distance between you and your partner but you aren't sure why or what to do about it?
-Do you feel like your partner doesn't listen to you and just doesn't understand you?
-Are you more friends than lovers?
-Is the romance and or mystery gone or leaving your relationship?
 
If you answered yes to any of these questions, our upcoming relationship boot camp is for you. In order to have a great relationship, you must know what one looks and feels like. I talk to people every day who have never experienced a good, much less great relationship. Maybe your relationship was better in the past but it has been a long time and you no longer have confidence in your relationship skills. This seminar will give you the information and the tools you need to take control of your relationship. You will benefit from this seminar even if your partner isn't interested in attending. 
 
Bring a friend instead and receive a discount.

Thursday, January 21, 2016

Denial can be fatal for relationships.




Everyone has personal blind spots.  They are a form of denial.



Blind spots are those areas in your own behavior that when your partner  points them out to you , you just ‘don’t see it, or say “that’s not me, or you have to be kidding” - whatever.  When your partner says that you have certain habits, beliefs, behaviors that he or she believes could be destructive for the future health of your relationship or for yourself, you fail to accept them as a part of who you are or how you behave.  If your partner is not be saying these things in a negative way or  criticizing or invalidating you, but they are merely reporting information to you, giving you the opportunity to see the need or benefits for change, it is important to be willing to listen without judgment or defensiveness. 



Eliminating many of these blind spots can help you get better in touch with the reality of your own behaviors and their impact on your relationship and the overall quality of your life.



There are many types of denial. There are a variety of responses you can have to what may cause it.  A few of them are;



- The blind spots I just mentioned.

- That you are contributing to the stress in some way in your relationship.

- That you have hidden agendas; topics that you are uncomfortable discussing, for some reason.

- Your unwillingness to take full responsibility for your own actions and or outcomes.

- Your defensiveness when your partner brings up topics that you disagree with.

- Your anger when your apparent need for growth in some area, is mentioned.

- Your withdrawal from discussions that cause you discomfort.

- Your inability to handle conflict or confrontation in a constructive way.

- Your  beliefs that your opinions are the only ones that are right or valuable.



I could go on, but I am confident I either have your attention by now, or I don’t.  If I don’t, before you toss this subject out as just the ranting of a senile old lunatic ask yourself, Could you be in denial that you are even incapable of having any challenges made to you with any of the above issues?



One way to get to the core of this issue, if you have the courage, is to ask your partner a few simple questions.  Before you do I suggest you set up a few simple ground rules.  No invalidation, criticism or judgments are allowed.  Just a neutral sharing of information.  It is also important that both of you ensure that your mental perceptual filters are clear of any obstructions or emotional old baggage.



- What do you think I might be in denial about?

- How do I behave or talk when I am in denial?

- How do you feel about me when I am in denial?

- What does my denial do to our relationship?



Just a few to get you started.  Why not see if you can come up with a few more.  The purpose is for personal awareness and enlightenment.  Once you have finished this discussion now reverse roles and now you ask your partner the same questions.








Is there such a thing as a perfect relationship?


Is there such a thing as a perfect relationship?  If so what does it look like?  First let’s define perfect. Perfect – excellent or complete beyond practical or theoretical improvement.  Want more?  Flawless, ideal yada, yada, yada.



If you tell me you have a perfect relationship what you are saying indirectly is that both of you are perfect.  Relationships are independent entities that are created when two people come together whether in marriage or any other type of arrangement.  A relationship can’t be perfect because everything in nature has flaws or could improve in some way.  Sooner or later we just have to learn to find joy in an imperfect sunset, mountain vista or child.  Ask any grandmother and their grandson is perfect in every way.  Ask anyone in love and they will say their mate is perfect.  Compared to what?  Is it really perfection or is it our view, attitudes, outlook, experience etc. that makes things perfect?



Perfection is a perception and perceptions depend on a variety of factors; age, experience, gender, life outlook, goals and attitudes to mention just a few.  When a lover looks into the eyes of his or her new love they see only what they want to see – perfection.  They tend to be willing or able to overlook perceived (personal opinions) flaws or faults in the beginning.  But as time passes many of these same issues, traits or behaviors can become a source of aggravation and even conflict.



If all of this mumbo jumbo is true, and I believe it is –my perception – then there are no such things as perfect relationships just degrees of perfection based on the people’s willingness to overlook certain factors.



When I have asked if people have an ideal or perfect relationship I hear things like:



-He/she understands me.  (All of the time?  Every time? Come on let’s be honest here.)

-We have everything in common. (This can get a little boring don’t you think!)

-We never argue about anything.  (Give me a break.)

-Our relationship is in a good place now.  (What about last week or last year?)

-Flexibility and compromise are the bywords of our relationship. (Every time – right!)

-I love everything about him or her. (Some stuff just hasn’t surfaced yet, just give it time.)

-We can talk about anything without conflict. (I hate to call people liars, but.)



So, are there perfect relationships?  No, because there are no perfect people.  Are there successful relationships?  Yes, millions of them.  What is the difference between perfect and successful?  Re-read the previous paragraph and you will now see the difference.  Here, I’ll help you.



- He/she understands me.  (No - he or she doesn’t but can accept you for who you are anyway.)

- We have everything in common. (It is the ability to manage differences in relationships that counts.)

- We never argue about anything.  (We can have conflict without invalidating each other.)

- Our relationship is in a good place now.  (Good is defined as the present.  We stay focused on what is

   now - not what was, has been or could be.)

- Flexibility and compromise are the bywords of our relationship. (We keep our ego in check.)

- I love everything about him or her. (I don’t like everything but it is who she/he is and I can learn to 

  love unconditionally.)

- We can talk about anything without conflict. (We have learned to be honest with feelings and

   opinions without the need to be right or challenge each other.)



Don’t tell me you have a perfect relationship.  Tell me you have a relationship that is getting better every day because each of you are learning the skills necessary to improve it.

Wednesday, January 20, 2016

The Dance of Love


The Dance of love

Why the music stops and the dance ends.

Love is like a dance.  If you don’t like the music, don’t know the steps, insist on doing it your way regardless of the routines of a particular dance or just don’t like to dance guess what – sooner or later the dance of love between you and your partner will end and usually badly.

There are as many reasons why the dance of love ends as there are people doing the dance.  Unfortunately or fortunately, depending on your perspective, for millions of people each year, their relationships end with stress, anger, guilt and resentment.

Why does the music stop for so many people when most of these relationships began with hope, positive anticipation, love and caring?

Call it the human experience and the need, sometime dysfunctional need, for receiving and giving love.  Yes, there are many relationships that begin where the people involved are fully aware that - I shouldn’t do this, it isn’t right, it doesn’t feel right or I’m doing it for all of the wrong reasons, but in the end they override these inner urgings and plow ahead anyway. The bottom line – we all say we are following our heart when in many instances that is the last thing we are doing.  Following are some of the more common reasons why the music stops and the dance of love ends. Yes, there are many others, but I’m sure if you will carefully think about the following you will discover that your particular reasons are in some way related to these.

When the dance begins a new relationship is formed and each person tends to put their partner on a pedestal.  They only see the qualities, traits, habits and behavior that they want to see. 

When love is failing the same people tend to see each other through a different set of values and expectations.  It is almost as if they are looking for stuff not to like.

Why do people fail to see the other person clearly in a new relationship and why do we lose tolerance or even the simplest kindness toward another when a relationship is in trouble?

There are always clues that the dance will not end in a positive way.  Not to see them or to see them and hope they are only temporary is to be naïve.  To believe they will change them with time is to live in a land of fantasy. 

Another reason the dance ends is the inability to manage differences. If you don’t have conflict in your relationship it is probably because you have a long distance relationship or are living in denial.

Conflict is normal in every relationship no matter how new or long lasting.  Show me a couple who don’t have conflict and I’ll show you two people who have totally disengaged from the relationship or are in a complete state of emotional withdrawal.  Conflict is either positive or negative.  How can conflict be positive you might rightly ask? 

The real issue is trust and respect.  People who do not trust or respect their partner will generally let conflict further erode their relationship.  People who trust and respect their partner will tend to use the conflict to create better understanding and or acceptance of their partner’s views, opinions or attitudes.

So the real culprit here is not the conflict itself but the degree of trust, respect and unconditional acceptance that is present or absent.

A significant reason the dance ends is selfishness or – it’s all about me!

My definition of selfishness is when a person is concerned about tomorrow.  These people lack faith in themselves, God, and others to give them what they need (not what they want) in the future. Therefore, these people must guard every cent and every emotion with the concern that their emotional or financial bank account may run dry in the future.

Selflessness is when you give of yourself - your support, guidance, love, time, ideas, and encouragement - without a concern for the expectations, demands, needs, or desires of others. These people do not give to get, but just to give. They find their rewards not in the giving, but in the development of who they are and who they are becoming.

And finally the dance ends due to the lack of a safe emotional environment that causes trivia and communication issues to get completely out of whack.

What is a safe environment? It is an environment in which you can be perfectly honest without fear of judgment, ridicule, criticism or later retribution. If you are fortunate to have relationships that are very honest, open and sharing, consider yourself blessed. Most relationships have some areas or topics that are avoided to avoid another argument or hurt feelings. This situation, these hidden thoughts, feelings or attitudes can be acceptable as long as they are not critical to the overall success of the relationship.

If you have a lot of suppressed stuff with someone you are in a relationship with, I urge you to let it go, express it, or walk away from the relationship before it becomes too destructive on your emotional well being and health.

In many relationships two strangers share the same bed, sit at the same kitchen table every morning and grow further apart every day.  They know little about their significant other or sometimes even care very little about them.  There is dialog that is often superficial, self-centered, critical and judgmental. Few couples really know each other.  The years seem to have hardened one or both of these people and for some reason they have lost the love, intimacy and romance.  I know, it has happened to me and the pain of acting like you want to be where you are is almost unbearable.  Living a lie helps no on one. So let me ask you, if you have been together for a few years tell me, what are some of the things you do or don’t know about your partner?

Some of us need more help, love and patience than others, as we tentatively bare ourselves to those around us.  Some of us however never really try.  We are afraid to be vulnerable and authentic for fear of a variety of unknown reactions.  So we live in a prison where only a few select souls are allowed visiting hours and only on our terms.

Every relationship has its emotional ups and downs.  These are caused by any number of emotional issues.  Some of the emotions that are evident in any relationship are: blame, anger, resentment, jealousy, happiness, joy, fear, guilt, emotional games, sadness, grief, pain, disappointment, unrealized expectations, cheerfulness and numerous others.

When I speak of emotional immaturity I am referring to inappropriate emotions given a certain activity, situation, or circumstance.  For example, carrying resentment around for several years after the cause of the resentment isn’t healthy either physically or for the relationship.  Blaming your partner for an action when they are just doing the best they can at the time with what they have is to invite a breakdown in communication and intimacy.  Not being sensitive to your partner’s negative emotional state due to a situation in their career or life is to send a message that you are emotionally distant from their needs, desires, dreams, hopes, fears or feelings.

Emotional maturity is bringing the right amount of emotional support, connection or outlook to any situation.  Each of us can contribute to our partner’s growth or we can sabotage it.  We sabotage it when we play emotional games and stay stuck in negative emotional manipulation.  We help them when we help them see clearly how their emotional state has contributed to their situation or how it keeps them stuck in the past or in negative issues.

I believe in the end the major reason why all relationships end, that could have lasted is because one or both partner’s lets stupid, trivial and unimportant issues get out of control as they dig in their heals to defend their opinions, values, goals, attitudes or life outlook.

I have observed many couples in public arguing about stuff that really doesn’t matter, but they have chosen t make the issue or subject a potential game-breaker that sooner or later will increase resentment, disappointment and even grief.  And so – another dance ends with regret, sadness or anger.

Monday, January 11, 2016

Intent vs. behavior.


Everyone is doing the best they can at any given moment given their awareness, skills, experience and knowledge.  If this is true why does people’s behavior sometimes affect us  the way it does?  There are a number of reasons:  1. We have expectations of them.  2. We have our own “stuff” (psychological and emotional issues) that we are dealing with. 3. We have more or less of a history with the person.  (Some of it positive and some of it negative.)  4. We have an erroneous definition of faults.  See Relationship Tip No. 21) 5. We are masters at projection and mirroring.  6. We don’t take the responsibility for our contribution to the problem or issue.

If there is an inconsistency between a persons behavior and their words, the behavior will always be a more accurate reflection of where they are in consciousness than the words they use.  The reason for this is that words are a conscious act and behavior is generally an unconscious act. Note I said generally.  Many people consciously behave in certain ways because they are trying to send a message to the other person.  They may say, “I love you” for example, but their behavior or actions are totally contradictory to the words they are choosing to use.

How can you know what a person’s real intent is?  You must pay close attention to all of the subtle as well as more evident non-verbal signals.  Sometimes it does no good whatsoever to ask them as if they wanted you to know they would be telling you the truth in the first place.  I am not much of a television watcher but several months ago while flipping through the channels, (I have a reputation to live up to) I stopped for a few minutes to an evening sitcom.  The wife was saying, “what are you thinking?”  The husband responded, “If I wanted you to know what I was thinking I would be talking.”  (Not necessarily true.

Real intent is the crux of all behavior.  We may do our best to mask our real feelings, attitudes or issues but sooner or later our behavior will give us away.

The other side of this complicated issue is our purposely sending mixed or incorrect signals hoping the person will catch our meaning or intent.  The problem is that most people pay more accurate attention to the words that are used and less to the emotions, feelings and other various non-verbal clues sent.

It takes a real, vulnerable, safe, open and honest relationship that is free of judgment, criticism and retribution to always know what the other persons real intent is.  Learn to stay focused in the present, resist the tendency to look for what you want to see, hope is there or to even worse pretend you don’t really see obvious signals that even the village idiot would catch.  Getting broad-sided in a relationship is never an accident or should never be a surprise for the other person.  If it is, they weren’t paying attention all along.

The value of appreciation.

One of the best ways to keep relationships positive, regardless of whether with friends, relatives or business associates or customers is to shoe appreciation.  Going out of your way often to tell people how much you appreciate what they have done, regardless of how unimportant or little it might have been, puts you in the minority of the human race. (unfortunately)

Here is a quick example. 

Each year I give away between 1000 and 2000 books to relatives, friends, clients and strangers. In the last ten years that’s over 10,000 free books I have given away valued at between $15. And $20.  These people have received a gift.  Unsolicited yes, but a gift nonetheless. How many people do you think have said thank you in the past ten years? (either calls or notes)  Less than 25.

I guarantee someone in your life has done something for you that they feel deserves a simple thank you or some small appreciation.  Here are a few tips  to consider:

1. Call at least one person a day and thank them for something.

2. Send out 5 thank you notes a week.

3. Don’t wait to show your appreciation.  Do it now.

4. Do what you do for others without the expectation of appreciation.  When you want something back that is not a gift but barter.

5. Send a special friend a surprise gift. (it doesn’t have to be expensive.  It’s the thought that really counts.)

When you are appreciative, it makes other people feel like doing more for you, even though that was not your agenda. When you fail to show appreciation, it makes others feel like doing less or nothing for you.

I guarantee that someone in your life feels a word of appreciation would be in order.  Can you guess who it might be?  One way to ensure that people do not feel slighted by you is to develop an appreciative consciousness.

What have you got to lose.  A simple thank you doesn’t cost anything and it can mean so much to people who have gone out of their way for you. 


Do I really know you?


 People can spend years together in a close physical relationship and never really know their partner.  Oh yes, there is dialogue that superficial stuff like:  How was your day? What’s for dinner?  How was work? How are the kids?  What shall we do this weekend?  Tonight? 
How about a movie?  That’s a great way to spend time together if you really want to get to know someone.  You don’t have to talk.  Just sit and be entertained.

Few people in intimate relationships really know their partner.  Few have emotional level conversations about a variety of issues that are important to the other person. Why not try the following little test to see how well you know your significant other or spouse.  If you can answer more than half about your partner, I will be surprised. (This is a short version of my complete Getting to Know You Questionnaire.   If you would like a copy mail me a SASE with 32c postage)  Answer the questions as you think your partner would.

1. My biggest fears are?
2. I wish I could…..
3. I struggle with….
4. I love it when you….
5. I hate it when you….
6. I am happiest when I….
7. You upset me when you….
8. I hate it when I….
9. I feel good about us when we….
10. I feel bad about us when we….
11. When I am angry I want you to….
12. My favorite movie is?
13. I wish you would do more of….
14. I wish you would do less of….
15. My favorites are:
    food
    color
    time of day
    music
    music group
    author
    fabric
    place to visit
    way to relax

There is much more but I am sure you get the point.  Real intimacy is knowing your partner so well that they never really surprise you.  Sure their will be new reactions, new growth, new desires and dreams but really knowing them takes more than just sleeping in the same bed or living under the same roof.